Friday, September 15, 2017

17 Weeks Pregnant with Baby Number 3

17 Weeks

My new weeks land on Saturdays so updates are a little behind.
 I am currently 18 weeks and 6 days. 



This Week:

We made it! 17 weeks! Wow...I feel like I've been waiting for this milestone FOREVER! 

Baby This Week: 

Baby this week is apparently the size of a gaming remote. The cartilage is turning into bone and cord is getting stronger and thicker. 



Maternity Clothes:

I feel like I've been in maternity clothes forever. Third pregnancies are no joke! My body had no problem figuring out where to expand! But maternity clothes are SO comfortable so I am not complaining at least! Give me stretchy clothes and button-less pants ANYDAY! 

Stretch Marks/Weight: 

I've actually developed some new stretch marks around my boobs. They seem to be bigger this time then my previous two pregnancies. My weight was the same as my starting weight according to my last appointment about 1.5 weeks ago. Which is also surprising as usually I am down at this point. 

Movement:

I have been feeling "flutters" for quite some time but they are getting more distinct. I can feel when the baby moves from one end to the other (flipping) the most. 

Food Aversions/Cravings:

Pregnancy is so weird. This pregnancy I can't stand french fries. Or really anything deep fried in general really makes me feel yucky. I don't like meat either which has been consistent with previous pregnancies. I am really loving crisp cold veggies and fruit of any kind! Sweets for sure or the sweet and salty combination like chocolate covered pretzels. Yum! This week is the Shawville Fair and so I can't wait to get my usual favorites. Pizza, donuts and beavertail! 

Symptoms:

I'm feeling very....pregnant! The sickness has ended (WOO HOO!!!!!). It's a weird feeling not to be getting sick as with both my other pregnancies I had been still at this point. What a relief! I feel the normal other pregnant things. Second trimester headaches, sore boobs and etc. I am finding with this pregnancy my hips and pelvis are way more sore then my other two. 

What I Miss:

French fries mostly but also walking without pain in my hips/pelvis. 

Labor Signs/Health Update:

Being followed this pregnancy by the General hospital in Ottawa. I am considering "high risk" and so I have appointments and ultrasounds every 2 weeks. I am also on daily progesterone. I have no restrictions at this point. 

Gender:

We will be surprised again. This time for then the other two I didn't want to know the gender. We REALLY do only care for a healthy baby. 

Wedding Rings/Belly Button:

Nothing new in this department! 

What I'm Looking Forward To/Best Moment 

Looking forward to 17 weeks + 1 day the most! The best moment was Saturday at the Fair. We hadn't really been telling too many people that we were expecting again. We just kind of let the word spread naturally. On Friday, I wore a baggy non-maternity shirt and some were looking at me but didn't say anything in case they were wrong. On Saturday morning I wore a maternity shirt and it accentuated the belly and people felt more comfortable coming up to congratulate us. 

Daddy This Week:

Well back to Ryan and his crazy baby names! We love the Babyname app and I think some of my husbands choices for girls are a little umm...."stripperish". Mercedes? Angel? Destiny? Desiree? 

Big Brother Sam:

Sam has a baby in his belly too! Mine is a girl because I'm a girl and his is a boy because he is a boy. Makes sense to me! ha ha! Sam knows what is going on although at first he was very confused as he knew Baby Sister went to heaven. He is consistent in his "baby seeester" predictions and he tries to feel baby move on the outside when I tell him I can feel it. He is getting use to Mommy not lifting him up. 

Wisdom:

Days are going by so slowly right now but I know that years from now the time will actually seem to have been short. Trying to remember this and take it all one day at a time. 

xo 

Friday, September 8, 2017

Shawville Fair 2017

In passed years, Shawville Fair was an all weekend affair. From Thursday until Monday afternoon we were at the grounds enjoying friends, drinks, Fair food and entertainment. Since Sam, life and interests have changed. Now we spent the limited time we are there in the midway. We are home early in the night. Sam loves the Fair but all the excitement is short lived before he is over-tired. 

But we can't pass up the Fair. Despite the cooler and gloomy temperatures this year, we couldn't pass up some time enjoying the festivities! 

We decided our "big" day at the Fair would be Friday evening. We headed up after work and it was quiet enough that Sam could literally walk onto any ride he wanted. His favorites were the helicopters and flying airplane! 


But this year Sam really enjoyed some of the other things the Fair had to offer. The games, petting zoo and tractor display was a huge hit! 



We squeezed in about 3 hours of Fair time before we took a kicking and screaming toddler to the car. Not without some cotton candy for his first taste, which he loved! 


The next morning we lounged around home and Sam got to work on "practicing pulling a cow" with Tucker. Friends Brodee and Kerry picked up Sam the Monday before to take him to the farm where Brodee was preparing his calf for the 4H show at the Fair. Sam showed great interest and so they offered to help him show for his first time in the Pee Wee division. 


In some show whites, we headed back to the Fair. Sam seemed really excited to be showing but I was a nervous wreck. Sam's typical nature is to shy away at new situations before he warms up. I was worried he would get out into the ring and shy/growling Sam would appear. 


We headed to the barns early to familiarize ourselves with Evalina the calf again and get lined up for showtime! Again, Sam was acting excited but not shying away. 


Well Mr.Shy must not have stage fright because he walked with his calf, leading her where he was suppose to without hesitation! 


He even spoke his name clearly into the mic when asked! Who the heck was this performer? I have to admit, I was beaming with pride watching him! 


He got his ribbon and was SOO excited. You would have thought it was the best thing he's ever been given! 


It was such a fun experience and while we won't push him to be in 4H, we definitely won't hesitate to help him if that is the route he wants to go. Thank you so much Brodee and KL! 


We left the Fair right after the show. Sam went home with Ryan for a nap and I got a visit in with baby Oliver! 

The rest of the weekend was rainy and not appealing for standing around a midway. Instead, we stuck around home and relaxed, enjoyed some outdoor time between showers, napped and got some stuff done around home! 

This included picking (probably) the last of the blackberries! The farm has been polluted with them this year that we haven't been able to keep them all picked before they fall or get eaten by birds! While my garden was pathetic this year (another post for another day), the farm has provided us with other treats for our freezer like blackberries and raspberries! 



xo 

Saturday, September 2, 2017

17 Weeks Pregnant

Well, I made it. I made it to the "dreaded" 17 week mark. At exactly 17 weeks, we lost our baby girl. So while I was in normal pregnancy "safe" zone, I still didn't feel like I was out of the waters until I was at 17 weeks. 

At 17 weeks pregnant with baby number 3 and I was hoping there would be a calmness over me when I reached this milestone. Instead, I am thinking ahead like I normally do to the 24 week mark which would mean a baby born at this time would have a 50%-70% chance of survival. And then 27 weeks where there will be a 90% chance of survival...It's all a big numbers game in my head. 

But there has been nothing to make me or doctors believe I won't make it that far. The at first "annoying" every 2 week appointment and ultrasound has began to give me comfort. I am finding myself looking forward to those appointments to make sure that everything is happening the way it is suppose to. 

Besides those trips to the city every two weeks, the doctors have me on Progesterone every night until 34 weeks to help in uterus strength. The ultrasound is not always peachy. The latest ones they have let me look at the baby through my stomach but all further ultrasounds are actually trans-vaginal and with a "pressure test" which with a full bladder is not fun. Basically, they push hard on my stomach 3 times to check how the cervix is holding up to added weight. I can't even see the baby during those which is disappointing. 

I still feel very lonely at the appointments as it is out of my comfort zone however, so far I have always had someone with me which has helped. I have learnt that I need to pack a lunch as my ultrasound at 11 AM and my appointment at 1 PM means no lunch. 

One thing I am loving about the system they have at the General versus my other hospital is the nurse practitioners! They do all the routine checks like weight, blood pressure, urine and etc. Then they sit down with you and ask me in depth health questions every two weeks. Then we sit and chat about questions/concerns for however long I like. The doctor rushes in for the last bit to check up but other then that it's mostly the nurse. They have been a big comfort as they really give you the time you need to ask even the littlest of questions. Feeling like your questions are getting properly answered and explained has been a great help in my anxiety. 

I was reading back on some of my older posts from pregnancy number 2 around the same timeline as I am now. I think it was in the 15 or 16 week update that I mentioned besides feeling and being sick all the time, I didn't feel pregnant. At the time I guess it should have been a warning sigh but every pregnancy is different. Little did I know something was actually wrong. This pregnancy however has all of the normal pregnancy symptoms that you read about. Headaches, constipation, round ligament pains, tender breasts and the sickness. 

I was also telling my Dad over the weekend that at 16 weeks pregnant I remember telling Ryan that something was different with baby number 2. I had some movements but the baby felt like it was going to fall out of my cervix at any time. Little did we know that there was a partial abruption (soon to be full) that was causing this discomfort. As I went into my 16th week, I was paying attention to those feelings and thankfully, it is not the same. Baby is higher and movements are just below the belly button. 

Things are definitely different this time and I am looking forward to 17 weeks and 1 day, getting father along than last time and then hoping to hit every milestone after that! 

I want to begin documenting this pregnancy more now because I really do read back on my prior pregnancies and will likely want to with this one as well. Until then, 16 weeks last week and rocking a very prominent bump already! 


xo  

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Your Due Date

August 12, 2017

Dear Baby Girl, 

Today would have been your due date. Although, I am suspicious that you would have actually been here already. 

Today has been a day I have been dreading for the last 5 months. I was sad and grieving on the day that you were born into the arms of Jesus. But somehow thinking of meeting you for the first time today (or around this time) smelling that newborn skin and kissing your warm cheeks, brings me to my knees because it's something I won't get to do today. 

I can't help but imagine Sam getting to hold you for the first time and thinking about how he may of reacted. I think he would have protected you and tried to share all his trucks with you! 

As I sit here writing this, I am actually 14 weeks pregnant with your future younger brother or sister. We actually were very surprised to learn about this coming baby. We thought we'd have waited but life had other plans for us. And there was a lot of guilt associated with it. Still I feel myself pulling back from falling deeply in love with this baby because it feels unfair to you. We also felt a lot of reservation towards sharing our news because we didn't want people to think we were replacing you- such a devastating myth.

I selfishly get mad that instead of getting to hold and love on you today, I am pregnant and being sick. Instead of today marking the end of my pregnancy, I am only early into the second trimester. 

We planted a tree in your honor where we also laid your ashes and hope to watch it grow through the years as a reminder to us of you and how you would have grown. We hope to sit out and watch Sam play while sitting under that tree today but it appears the weather may match our moods. But we will remember this day and you regardless today and for many years to come. 

We love you! 

xo 

Friday, August 4, 2017

No New Pregnancy Updates

You know those cute pregnancy updates I use to do? I haven't had the desire to do one at all for this pregnancy. I do feel sorry for this little one. It's not from lack of time. It's more from denial. Sure, I know I am pregnant.  The symptoms, the tests, the ultrasounds. All is good in that department. But I couldn't bare documenting and having it to look back on it like a cruel reminder like last time.

I mean the pregnancy sickness has hit me full force and I think it's just one of those things I just deal with no matter what. No, I'm not as sick as last time but as my doctor reminded me, I was so sick last time because something was wrong. The placenta wasn't properly grown and attached (so they think) which meant I was supplying the baby all of it's needed nutrients the whole time, making my hormones crazy and making me so sick. This time I am still sick and it makes me scared. Every time I am sick I selfishly hope it's not for nothing. I cry after being sick because I feel like it's what I've been dealing with since November. I am tearful because I worry I will spent the next weeks being sick daily and having nothing to say "it was all worth it" for.

We went for our first ultrasound because as I mentioned, the doctors were a little surprised we were pregnant so fast (us too!). So, they wanted to make sure everything was good before starting normal appointments. Well, at 7 weeks pregnant we saw our baby and the little heat beating away. It made it feel very real.

They told me to continue on with life and if I made it to 11-12 weeks, they would schedule another appointment with the high risk clinic. Time went by, I felt more and more pregnant (aka: sick) and my pants got tighter. It was if my body hadn't forgotten yet what it was like to be pregnant so POP went the belly.

At 11 weeks, I went for my next ultrasound and saw a very perfect and active little one. After that ultrasound my high risk team seemed to go into overdrive. I went for blood work (a couple times) that day, met with my nurse practitioner, met with my high risk OB and scheduled some further appointments.


Lately, I have been struggling with the idea that I am going to have to be considered "high risk". Anyone who knows me, knows I am a small town girl and I love my small town hospital. I love sitting in the waiting room chatting with an old friend or neighbor. I love that you typically know some of the staff. At the General, I don't know a soul and I've had this very lonely feeling at my appointments. Being "high risk" also comes with the consequence of going to bi-weekly appointments starting in September. I don't have any other restrictions (then any other pregnant woman), but they still want to keep a closer eye on me by seeing me every two weeks until 34 weeks. So I won't even know where or who will deliver this baby until after 34 weeks. This planner is having panic attacks at that thought.

But despite these things, I am trying to let myself get excited at the prospect of a new baby. I feel like I am not allowed to however until the 17 week mark. But I'm getting there and it makes it easier now to not be hiding it from close family and friends. It was nice to be able to share this very personal news especially after what we went through just a few months ago.

So...Here are some details:

Due date: February 13

Are we finding out: Nope! We are going to try our best not to find out but I am a little worried because I was told that at every appointment I would be getting an ultrasound. So I am hoping they don't slip. Boy or girl, ultrasound picture makes me think it will look like Gru from Despicable Me! 


Sam: He knew pretty early on when I started getting sick. He is still convinced the baby is in his belly. Or sometimes he pretends to take the baby out of my belly to go on a bike ride with him.

Ryan: I think Ryan is struggling with the realization that I am in fact pregnant. He sees me being sick and my middle growing, but when I ask him to lift something he kind of asks why. Or if I fall asleep, he asks me what I am so tired for. It's either it hasn't sunk in for him or he is tired of me being sick and tired, the same way I am sick of it. I think Ryan and I are both scared of this pregnancy so we don't talk about it to one another because we don't want to stress the other person out. So instead, we either don't talk or we are grumpy with one another. Sometimes it's just easier to take it out on the ones you love most. 

Other: As I approach my second trimester I am beginning to feel flutters, broke out the maternity work pants and feel the normal pregnancy stuff. I am learning I hate being pregnant in the summer. Never before has the heat bothered me so much. Time is actually going kind of passing slowly which is both bad and good. We won't be making any "social media" announcement about the pregnancy. Just kind of let people figure it out or have the word spread naturally. We appreciate all of the well wishes, prayers and congratulations! 

xo 

Monday, July 31, 2017

Pregnant, Again.

I can't believe I am here writing about this again. Was it not just a few months ago that I eagerly and excitedly opened up a blank blog post to write about my new found pregnancy?

After our loss, the innocence of pregnancy was taken away from me and instead I understood all to well the actual miracle a healthy baby born to someone is. It doesn't always go to plan. When you see that positive pregnancy test, it doesn't guarantee you baby. When you make it passed that "safe" zone, things still can go wrong. 

We had met with a specialist in early April who told us there may not be a problem with having more children and to start to try when/if we felt ready. It was a relief to know we may still be able to grow our family but I knew what another pregnancy would mean; Stress, anxiety and worry. 

I didn't even know if it was possible to get pregnant again yet because my cycle hadn't returned to normal. Our plan was to enjoy the summer and maybe start actively trying in the fall/winter. So, that's what I was going to do. Enjoy beach trips, wine on the porch and nights out with friends.

It was all going exactly as planned. In fact, I was out in late May with friends to one of my favorite restaurants, Lonestar to enjoy a couple of Caesars and some chips and Salsa. We had drank, eaten and paid and chatting before getting ready to leave when all of the sudden I had this overwhelming feeling like I was going to pass out. I was literally blacking out and I was sort of panicking. Because of you know.....Lonestar is SO quiet on a Friday night. The manager came over to help me where I proceeded to be completely black out and then be sick.

After I was sick, I felt completely fine. Back to normal and like nothing had even happened. It was the strangest thing. And as I was laying on the cold  floor, I kind of had a thought...

Could I be pregnant?

SURELY not! I mean I hadn't even gotten a real period yet! It's not possible! Is it possible? Why would I pass out? Maybe it's my low blood pressure acting up? Yes, that's it!

I had to work the next morning and the weekend was a busy one. Ryan was actually even gone but I loaded up Sam, drove to the store, grabbed a pack of tests and with Sam used the bathroom right in the public washroom! I stuck the test in my pocket, loaded up the car, sat in the drivers seat and pulled out the test....


Holy...crap.....

Good thing I bought extra because for the next three days I just kept taking more and more tests. And each one came up with the same result, I'm pregnant.

I did nothing fun to tell Ryan. I just told him one morning when we were doing our "family hug" routine, that he was hugging both of his babies. He was confused and I told him I was pregnant and his immediate response? "Ya right" and "Who's is it?" Ha ha!

For a week leading up to this test day, I had been STARVING! Attacking food like crazy but I never thought anything of it. I figured my appetite had just increased. But between that and passing out, those aren't usual pregnancy symptoms for me. If anything, my first symptoms is usually being nauseous. I couldn't believe how good and normal I felt. Again, not typical pregnant Lindsay. But here I was with multiple pregnancy tests.

The reality has sunk in. At first, we were going to keep it a secret for as long as possible. But then we still wanted to share this news with family and friends when we felt ready (which we aren't yet). The people that were there for us during our loss were so important in our healing and we know we may need some of them again if something was to happen. Surprisingly, we feel a lot of cautious joy and excitement. We are trying to tell eachother every day "We're going to have a baby, isn't this wonderful?" to try and help subside the fear. When I get a overwhelming feeling of nervousness, I remind myself that TODAY I'm pregnant and I just enjoy this current pregnant day.

 We are to see the specialist for this pregnancy and they were to surprised to hear from me again so soon. They booked me for an early ultrasound and that is where we are today. Anxiously waiting for that ultrasound date of June 28. In the meantime the symptoms have increased to my usual pregnant self, specifically the nausea. But I'm dealing with it and trying to just sit back and be thankful rather then dwell on the not so fun aspects of pregnancy.

Written: June 16, 2017

xo

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Summer Holidays 2017

Typically, Ryan and I take our holidays in the early Fall. It seems like a less chaotic time of year at the farm but we always miss out on some of that warm summer activities while we are vacationing! This year, we decided to take the week in July that would correspond with a week off our daycare has. We were excited for swimming and beaches! 

Shortly after Canada day, we packed up and were headed to the airport EARLY one morning to begin our summer holidays! A week in Nova Scotia at my parents cottage was all that we had planned. We were going to fill in the blanks as the days progressed. 


We had a boringly normal flight and ride to the cottage! We lounged, settled in and headed to the beach that first afternoon. We watched Moana with Sam and ordered pizza in! Super relaxing first day! 


But then the relaxation continued. We would wake Sam up every morning around 8:30 AM, eat breakfast, head to the beach around 10 AM. We would play in the water and sand all morning, even eating our snack and Sam's lunch picnic style in the sand. Smelling like sunscreen and salt air, we would head in at 1 PM for a rest. Sam would usually sleep from 1:30 pm- 4 pm and sometimes, so would Ryan and I. Or I would sit out reading, one of us would grab groceries for the supper that night or we would watch a movie. It was those hours that we completely relaxed and re-charged the batteries. 


Fresh Nova Scotia brown bread! YUM! 


We did venture out one day to Citadel Hill! Because of Canada's 150th birthday, all Parks Canada sites were free! We were excited to explore this historic site. Ryan even got to shoot a black powder gun! 



We'd visit with family, eat ice cream for supper and enjoy a boat ride! 






My parents joined us for the last two days of the trip and spoiled Sam with some extra attention. They even agreed to stay at the cottage during nap and Ryan and I went out to one of my favorite eating places, the Finer Diner! 






When people have been asking us how are trip was I just keep saying, "relaxing." Because that is the best way to describe it. We all felt so rested and yet like we weren't ready for our trip to end! We miss the family from the East coast and are so thankful we get to see them during our holidays. We loved taking our trip this year in the summer and hope to do it again next year! 

xo