Wednesday, March 22, 2017

It's Difficult For Him Too

Written March 17, 2017

I think my doctor said it best when we first met with him. After finding out all the details of what had happened to us and our second baby on March 3, he turned to my husband who had kept quiet up until that point and asked, "And how are you doing?"

For the most part, the majority of people are concerned with how the mother is doing and sometimes they forget that the husband is grieving too. He is expected to keep strong and supportive, when in reality it can be very hard on him as well. I wanted to just compose a few thoughts I've had for Ryan as he has been my absolute rock through the last 3 weeks.

Dear Ryan,

I can still remember our wedding day. It feels like it was a lifetime ago and also like yesterday. And yet the happiness I felt then, I still feel now. I look at you and know this was meant to be. On that day, we promised to love each other throughout our entire lives, the sick and the healthy, the good and the bad. We had no idea what life would throw our way, but we knew that we wanted to face it together.

I can still remember those words....they echo around my head at random moments throughout the day..."you delivered your baby"...."your baby didn't make it"....Those words are like vines that twist around my neck, trying to slowly strangle the breath from me. But then I remember you, and the way that the floor went out from beneath me those following days when the reality of things sunk in, but somehow I was still standing because of your support. With your hand in mine and another on my back, we faced our worse fears. I don't think I could have walked a single step without you. I felt like I could have suffocated from heartache that first 24 hours, but you breathed for me when I couldn't, with a touch, a tear, a hug and a prayer. You picked me up at my lowest.

And you are still my comfort and my strength even though I know you are going through the same pains. Yet you are taking care of Sam and myself and putting our needs first. You understand when I need to randomly burst into tears and when I want to lay in bed and bask in my misery. And sometimes you lay with me, and you whisper everything and nothing. Somehow it all seems better when I realize I am going through this with you.

And I think it's good sometimes, that we can't see the punches that are coming our way. Because I think that maybe if I saw what was coming, I wouldn't be able to face it. I'd try to turn and run. But instead, we live and we fight through the storm as it comes, trusting that God will never leave us. I'm so glad that I get to ride this "lifeboat" with you, under the lead of our Captain, as He guides us and revives us, wave after wave.

I love you and thank you!


xo 

*These are the actual words from the "Hand Fasting" at our wedding ceremony. Somehow the words ring true more now then they did that day. 

"These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever.

These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other.

These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow, and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children. These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch."

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Since The Day You Got Your Wings, I have Never Been The Same

On March 3, 2017, at 17 weeks pregnant, our baby was born into the arms of Jesus. 

Ryan and I have been going through the motions of grief as we have surrounded ourselves with support of family, friends and prayer. 

We learnt that our angel was a baby boy and we are sad we have not been given the opportunity to get to know him better. But we are thankful we have gotten to hold him. His face and features will forever be etched in our memories. 

I had a placenta abruption and had some complications myself because of it. It was a very scary and confusing time for us. Truthfully, it still is but we consider ourselves somewhat lucky to have meet, held and know who our very own guardian angel is. We look forward to the day when we get to see him again. 

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to hold my baby on my lap and tell him about you, but since I don't get the chance, can you please hold him on your lap and tell him about me?"



xo

* Ryan and I can't even begin to express how grateful we are to our family and friends. During difficult times, you realize the amazing community around you. For those who offered up prayers, kind words, flowers, food, treats, cards and other help in the form of favors, we can never thank you enough. During dark times, you brought in some light with your kindness. 

Friday, March 3, 2017

Baby W #2 - 16 Weeks

Actually didn't have time to pre-write so written at 16 weeks 6 days. 



This Week:

Into the second trimester and the 15 week energy has disappeared this week. I blame it on some busy work days and a sick little boy who hasn't been sleeping all that great. 

Baby This Week:



I read somewhere that baby is going through a growth spurt this week. And you MAY be able to start to feel movements. Also baby can see light now apparently. Baby is the size of a action hero! We'll pick Spiderman since that is Sam's current favorite. 

Maternity Clothes:

YES! I've been pretty excited that I haven't had the need for maternity clothes yet as I actually kind of hate them. But while my regular pants are loose in area's like around my butt, they are getting tighter (especially in the afternoons) in the waist. I went to the movies at 16 Weeks and my jeans were feeling uncomfortable around the middle. So, for the duration of the movie I sat with my pants undone. I figured, lights were off, no harm! 

Except the movie I was watching was 50 Shades Darker and when the lights came on suddenly, I had to stand up and re-do my pants. I am pretty sure anyone witnessing would have thought I was doing something inappropriate during the movie. 

Stretch Marks/Weight:

I am actually seeing a few of my stretch from my previous pregnancy darkening a little. And for weight, I was actually surprised I only gained 1 pound in 2 weeks. I was SURE it was going to be more because I have been able to eat more. My waist certainly reflects more then a 1 pound weight gain. 

Movement:

YES!!!! It might be because I am more receptive to it being my second, but I have felt movement this week. At first it took me by surprise and then it kept happening. Pretty much after every meal now it feels like baby is rolling or stretching or something. It's not definitive kicks yet but I know soon!  

Food Aversions/Cravings:

After being sick off of tomato soup on Monday, I couldn't even smell it the next day. Blah! It's been a rough week for sickness. I blame the "growth spurt" that is suppose to be happening this week. But I don't know. 

I am starting to have sometimes random and strong cravings. They are WAY more intense then with Sam. This week was the lime slush puppy! OMG! It was all I could think about. Then I got the treat and I've yet to crave it again. 

Symptoms:

Puking is a rough one again this week. I am always tired and I have no idea if I should blame the pregnancy, work or sleepless toddler. I look forward to weekends now so that I can get an extra 2 hours of sleep in the morning! 

Another weird thing this week is how low the baby is feeling. Like I am pretty sure it is sitting RIGHT on my cervix. It was getting very uncomfortable and scared me actually a little bit. Then all the sudden one morning I woke up at 16 Weeks 5 days, I woke up and the baby felt higher up. Closer to my belly button. Hoping it stays like that. 

What I Miss:

Feeling like me? Is that a thing? It's no secret that I don't LOVE being pregnant. And I hate to even say it because I know I am so blessed and I love my babies. BUT actually being pregnant is not really my thing. It's over 9 months of not feeling like myself, being uncomfortable and even being restricted with certain things. I feel so guilty even saying it but it's the truth. 

Labour Signs:

No! 

Gender:

Team green! Sam has always been insistent from the beginning that it's a girl (SEEster) but lately Ryan and I have been trying to add in the fact that it could be a brother. He just looks at us like we are crazy and says "NO! SEESTER"! Want to avoid any disappointment for him if it is a boy! 

Wedding Rings/Belly Button:

Normal

What I'm Looking Forward To/Best Moment:

Hmmm.....I guess just the weekend. A little more sleep, maybe? 

Daddy This Week:

Daddy SAVED the day the other day when he searched 3 stores in Shawville to find the perfect flavored Slush Puppy for me! He didn't even tell me he was looking for it and just showed up at home with it after I casually mentioned my random and silly craving. I seriously cried a little with joy. Stupid hormones. 


Big Brother Sam:

Sam is getting on board with baby! Got him a new "big brother" book that he likes us to read right now. He was off sick one day this week and a Huggies commercial came on TV and he said "Momma, BABY (pointing to TV) like in you belly! And Sam's belly too". He also said that baby lives under my belly hole (belly button) and comes out my mouth. Sure Kiddo! ha ha! 


Wisdom:

Not sure if this will help any future nausea women, but I do notice I get a little relief from a strong mint if I have a sudden strong urge to be sick. This has been good to get me through sticky situations like along the highway close to home. I can usually pop a mint and it will get me through until I'm home and near a bathroom. 

xo 

Monday, February 27, 2017

Weekend Adventures!

Happy Monday everyone! I hope that you all had a great weekend! This weekend brought some unusually warm temperatures for February and rain! Which was awful in the sense you couldn't do much outside but great because Ryan was home all weekend!! 

My weekend started out with a fun trip to the city for supper at Boston Pizza and to see 50 Shades Darker. I remember the second book of the series being my favorite at the time and I know why! There is way more romance in the second part. They are officially a couple. It was a great night but a little bit of a scary drive home in the thunder and lightening storm! 

Sam woke up unusually early and we tried to get him to go back to sleep with no luck. So into bed he came with us for morning cartoons! He asks for this all week and loves weekends because he gets to watch Mickey Mouse in bed with us. 

We couldn't be too lazy though because Ryan was playing in a charity curling tournament and his first game was at 9 AM. 

Ryan drove ahead and Sam and I ran to the store to try and find some rubber boots! We had no luck at the Walmart the day before. A beautiful display right out front with a blue pair just in his size! Good thing for Shawville! Sam also picked out a rain coat and splash pants all by himself and was very proud of his choices. Even though they didn't go together at all but I bit my tongue! ha ha! He carried his special new things all by himself through the store and to the cash! 



We got to the curling rink and sat right up front with friends to watch! Sam actually did watch more then I expected him to but the other part was playing with Tanners Paw Patrol airplane! ha ha! 


After the game, we headed to Ryan's parents for a visit and to wish Nana a "Happy Birthday"! Sam was getting really tired on the drive home and I knew I had to keep him awake. Thankfully, he stayed awake and gobbled down lunch and then we both went down for a long nap! 


When Sam woke up, we snacked on left over popcorn with a movie, then supper and Ryan showed up during bath time. I had texted Ryan earlier about this weird preggo craving I was having for a LIME slush puppy. It used to be my favorite flavor as a kid. Well the good man searched Shawville for one that had LIME and found it! Rushed one home and told me he'd finish up bed time while I enjoyed my slush and practiced piano! The first sip was like heaven. Craving totally satisfied. I was one happy preggo lady. 



Sunday morning we all slept in a little bit and then lazed around and got ready for our day. We actually were skipping out on church and going on an adventure to pick up a new (to us) maple syrup evaporator. The problem was that it was 2 hours away. 

So we packed up and stopped for a yummy lunch at Lonestar. And Sam is at a good age now again for restaurants. He was very happy to read a book, chat and snack on nacho chips with salsa! It was so enjoyable! 


When we left the restaurant it as around nap time and not even 10 minutes on the road, Sam and I were both fast asleep! ha ha! Poor Ryan had a quiet and lonely drive for a while. It hadn't been a great day sickness wise for me. Multiple stops along the way to be sick. 


We found the spot, loved the evaporator and loaded it up before heading for home! It's a smaller evaporator that will do no more then 100-150 taps, which is all we want. Just a little hobby. A way to to get something sweet from the tons of old sugar maple trees that are around the farm! 

On the drive home Sam kept asking us for "another adventure". I guess he really enjoyed the day with us on a little road trip! 

How was your weekend? 

xo 

Friday, February 24, 2017

Baby W # 2- 15 Weeks

Written at 15 weeks. Currently 16 weeks today! 



This Week:

Into the second trimester and I THINK I am beginning to feel the second trimester energy! I was worried last week when I was still pretty sick and had no energy. I am not less sick (HALLELUJAH!) and I definitely have more energy in the day! 


Baby This Week:




Baby is the size of a small box of crayons!


Maternity Clothes:


Still no in this department but I am noticing by the evening it is more comfortable to undo the top button of my pants.


I kind of did a mental breakdown of what I own for maternity clothes. As you know, I like to live frugally and I personally think Maternity clothes are a HUGE waste of money. Yet, they are kind of a necessity for comfort. Especially when you work outside of the house. I am set for winter and early Spring wear. My concern is when the weather gets warmer. I am hoping I can get by with dresses but I do know I will need at least a black and white t-shirt and jean maternity shorts. I think I can get by with my bathing suits. One item I don't really NEED is a pair of black maternity Capri's that I would like for work.

I've been trying to keep an eye open at thrift stores, ebay and online sale sites for these 4 items in my size but no luck so far. I think it is just too far from summer still!

Stretch Marks/Weight:


I actually forgot to weigh myself this week. I am thinking I have either maintained or gained a little because my eating has really improved this week!

Movement:


More weird uterus movements. The "belly" is getting higher.


Food Cravings/Aversions:


Meat is still a no-go. While I still would rather eat fruit, I have been able to stomach a little more vegetables this week and been trying to force myself to eat a little.


After visiting with a fellow preggo friend (Hi Amanda!), she was talking about her chips and dip cravings! I thought it sounded good so on the weekend picked up some. Well I guess the salty does not agree with me! I couldn't get through even a few chips! Yuck!

But I still love MANGO'S (yum!), strawberries, yogurt, ice cream, jam and cranberry juice!

Symptoms:


I have been getting headaches this week randomly which sucks. I thought it may be water intake but it doesn't seem to help. But thankfully, one little regular strength Tylenol does the trick!


This happened the last time too but my hips get sore some days from loosening. And my back was killing me. I was blaming wearing heels at a tradeshow but it's continued on. I notice it after sitting all day. And it's always my lower right side of my back. I've been going so stretching and yoga moves to help keep it at bay. 

What I Miss:

I don't miss much this week...I'm feeling a little better, I'm more energized and the weather is right up my alley! It's been a good week!


Labour Signs:


Nope!


Gender:


Team green! When I was pregnant with Sam, I was adamant that we didn't find out the gender. Whereas Ryan wanted to know! He hates surprises! I won (good husband right there!) and we had the greatest surprise arrive on April 3, 2014.


This time around, I gave Ryan the option. I told him that since I got my way last time, that I was giving him the option for us to find out for this pregnancy. He is now 110% into waiting until D-Day. He says it was the best moment of his life to be able to announce to me we had a son. So, for those complaining that we aren't finding out, blame Ryan! :)

Wedding Ring/Belly Button:


No changes.


What I'm Looking Forward To/Best Moment:


I was really looking forward to my pedicure! While I am still able to bend comfortably, there is something nice about being pampered.


Oh and two couples close to us finding out they are having little boys! Very excited for them!

Daddy This Week:


Well we still have a serious name problem with Ryan. There haven't been any first name suggestions from him this week but I realized that he can't even help with the middle name!


I have this on going list of potential names and middle names. The middle names are always family names. Names that belonged to special people in our lives whether they are still here or not. Ryan's middle name is after his biological Dad who is not apart of his life. He wants nothing to do with that name and we will never use it. However, when Ryan was younger another man stepped in as a father figure. Naturally, when creating our list of middle names, his step Dad's middle name had to be included to our list in case it suited with a first name we chose. So PATRICK, the name Ryan tells me is his step father's middle name, is added to the list.

Over the weekend I am with my MIL and we are discussing family names. My FIL's name comes up and I said "Well, I do like his middle name, Patrick, it's definitely a potential." She looks at me very strangely and says, "That's not his middle name."

WHAT?

Yes, the name "PATRICK" we've had an a running list for middle names since we were pregnant with Sam is not my FIL's middle name. It's JOSEPH! What if we had given the middle name Patrick to Sam?? Good grief!

Big Brother Sam:


So I am pretty sure that Sam thinks every baby is a girl. We were at a gender reveal party and when asked he said it was a girl! Later we found out friends were having a boy and then Sam argued with us that it was actually a girl. Ha ha!


There is a new friend at Sam's daycare. While she isn't a little baby, she is still a baby in his eyes! Sam doesn't have that much experience around babies but I was so proud to hear about him being so sweet to his new friend. I am told he is always so gentle with her. Huge relief and hopefully continues on for when his big brother duties really arrive! 

Wisdom:


So apparently Mango's are a natural laxative. Eat with caution!

Heels are stupid.

xo

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Things I'm Celebrating This Wednesday!

Happy Wednesday everyone! I hope that you have had a great week so far! It has been actually going by really fast here at the farm. Finishing up year end, new contracts are coming out for the Spring and the SNOW IS STARTING TO MELT! I know the melting snow is not something permanent but I am enjoying it anyways. I am actually looking forward to weather the first week in March because I am a believer in the theory, "In like a lion, out like a lamb". 

There's a few things I've been feeling celebratory about lately and I thought that I'd share them with you! 

1. I didn't puke on Monday. Ok...this might seem like a normal and everyday thing for you. But to me, this is HUGE! I can't remember the last time I didn't puke. I guess that explains my upbeat attitude on Monday. I just felt SOO great! It didn't last. Tuesday was not great but the fact that I had 1 whole day without being sick on Monday gives me hope. Hope that there will be future days of no puking. Maybe, a whole week? Is it possible? 

2. I am nesting early and I recognize it. I feel like crap while doing it but I have this inner feeling like I need to organize and I need to do it NOW!! I think it's because my head knows that come Spring and early Summer, it is our busy season on the farm and I will likely not feel like doing it then. So instead, my nesting has gone into over drive early. I had a bunch of things packed up to bring to donate. And yesterday, I was in the city so I dropped them off at a Value Village. After dropping everything off, the guy that helped me handed me a 25% off my next purchase card! Woo hoo! This will come in handy when I'm looking for some maternity clothes later in the Spring. 

3. Tax season for a lot of people is a huge headache. For me, I secretly love it. I'm pretty lucky as I live and work in Quebec so I rarely (knock on wood) owe money. Now, I don't get a lot back either but usually some. But for me, tax season is a good time to sit down and examine your expenses, your income and budget. I'm kind of a money person in the sense that I like to know where every dollar is going and being maximized. I like to look at our RRSP's and RESP's and see what % they had on return in the last year. Change things in our policies to better suit our current situation. So basically, I'm a huge dork. The first step is admitting it. But this time of year really forces Ryan (who hates all things money talk!) and I to assess everything and make a plan for the coming year and future. 


4. Sam has been doing SO good in his big boy bed. I seriously had no idea it would be this easy. He wanted to be sleeping in it so bad that he has not fussed once. It's normal bedtime routine and he stays in bed all night. He still calls for us in the morning because he doesn't realize he can get out by himself. He is up to 5 stuffies in his bed with him and they all have a specific spot in bed. He is very particular as to where they go. In fact, it's the longest part of the bedtime routine. But it makes him happy and he doesn't stay awake all night playing with them so it's ok. I still sneak a peak at him before I go to bed every night. I don't think that will ever change! Hooray to big boy bed! Now I can start getting the nursery ready (see item number 2). 


Happy Wednesday! 

xo 

Monday, February 20, 2017

WARM Wintry Weekend

Happy Monday everyone! For all of Ontario it is Family day and a day off. For us Quebecers, it is just another day! ha ha! 

But I realized just got much the winter weather can effect my mood! It's no secret I hate winter but this year was particularly hard with being cooped up being sick. But the weather took a turn towards Spring for a few days and WOW did it ever improve me mood! The sun, the few degree's below zero and the getting out of the house! I feel more energized. 

Friday was a beautiful day and our annual snowmobile day for clients. I set up the breakfast and then saw the guys off! They all reported it was a great day and they had some fun stories to share when Sam and I joined them at Gavan's for supper.  


Daddy was busy returning sleds so I got Sam bathed and ready for bed. He was in a fantastic mood after seeing all the sleds and the boys! Oh and the sips of Pepsi probably didn't help! ha ha! 


When I got Sam to bed, I settled in for some Netflix and Mango! 


If there was theme to our weekend it would be lazy mornings! We so enjoyed cuddles in bed and not changing out of our PJ's for a while. Sam slept in passed 7:30 each morning! 


We couldn't waste the BEAUTIFUL day outside so we all bundled up for a couple hours of outside time. We ended up seeing and playing with our cousins from across the road for a while. 


We were all exhausted from so much play so we had a quick lunch. I had to document the first vegetables I've eaten in months! It literally felt like such a momentous occasion that I had to document it! ha ha! 


Ryan, Sam and I all went down for an afternoon nap! It felt good to re-charge the batteries and then get up to get ready for a fun evenings! We were invited to a gender reveal party for friends Amanda and Josh who's new addition will be arriving in June! 

It was my first gender reveal I had been to! We enjoyed a delicious spread of party food and ice cream sundaes for dessert! But the exciting part was witnessing the couple see what it they would be welcoming a baby boy or girl! 

They cracked open the Pinata and blue candy went flying! A little baby BOY! Yay! 



It was a late night for Sam but he did great considering it was 2 hours passed his bedtime. We all went to bed as soon as we got home after such a fun night! 

The next morning we all slept in until almost 8! And continued our lazy morning of cuddles. I had to get a move on getting ready though because I had a fun morning coming up! My MIL had invited me to a girls day in the city! On the agenda, pedicures and lunch! She has had an inside look at how sick I've been and told her son to stay at home with Sam so she could treat me to a morning out! 

It was great to get a pedicure done. It had been WAY too long! And we had a delicious lunch at Lonestar! Look more vegetables! 

Thank you so much for such a great getaway! 



I actually got home in time to squeeze in a 30 minute nap before the boys got up! I was not hungry AT ALL so I made the boys grilled cheese for supper and I snacked on some mango. Sam ate all his food and requested "dessert". He always closes his eyes for his "surprise" dessert. Last night was leftover Valentine chocolate! ha ha! 


Beautiful weather, celebrating with friends, time with my boys and a little pampering. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend! 

xo